Asmita: Hiding Insecurity is Hell

Ego. What does that word trigger within you? And how do you most often use it? For me personally, it has been dealt out to others and myself with a negative connotation as if it’s something we need Terminex to come exterminate. Like it’s some kind of an infestation and its’ presence makes me less than. But what if rejecting the ego was the very injection that was making it grow to unhealthy proportions? 

I have heard so many interpretations and definitions of ego and egoism that it makes my head spin and I feel even more confused than when I started to contemplate it in the first place. The ego is all about me, my, mine, Big I versus little i, real self versus false self, ego is bad, ego is good, ego is the ultimate veil of ignorance, ego is the inflated personality and all of this word kung fu feels like just another distraction standing in-between me and honesty. What if I didn’t have to actually define ego but I could just be brave enough to notice what I claim to be me and what is actually me? Because you know what? If I am claiming it, that’s the first sign, it’s an untruth, for I do not need to claim a truth. I do not need to defend it, define it, or design it. What if the exploration of ego was to simply dare to confront all of the little ways that I hide? 

And when I say little, I mean little, but actually they are big. Big like the harem pants I love, but sometimes, if I’m honest, I wear to cover up the legs I believe are too big for my body. Or, like the make-up I wear to cover up the sun damaged skin that I have determined is not pretty. And to be not pretty, well then I am faced with my own vanity. And ouch, does that poke at my insecurity. So now I know where I need to be, where it’s super uncomfortable and it would be way easier to flip on the TV, or have a drink, or scroll IG. Or even worse, hide behind the fashion label of spirituality and bypass the excruciating experience of exposing what I fear will make people not like me.

It’s way more convenient to change lanes from me looking at me, to me, pointing out “ego” in you, and in this yoga teacher, and in that neighbor, or in that stranger. If I keep my head buried in defining ego or judging the ego or making it about everyone else but me, then, I reject any opportunity to clearly see how my ego can actually serve me. When I liberate myself from believing I am my job, my looks, my partner, or my bank account, I no longer have to claim those things for fear of losing them; I am empowered to use them, as the power tools of cooperation, connection, and integration. All of which evaporate the distinctions I have previously believed separated you from me.

So now, now we get to be we, here together, naked and free.

So very much gratitude for you and your time. Looking at ourselves and admitting the ways in which we hide from ourselves is work that not many are willing to confront. I honor you for being so courageous and understanding that your strength lies in these very spaces. But to access it, we must be willing to go there. This is some of the most humbling realizations we can make for ourselves and also the most life-changing. So kudos to you dear one. I am walking right beside you.

Blessings and Namaste,

Andrea Dawn